she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
