I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
