You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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