did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
