Buhtt sex?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
