Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
