dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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