Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
