Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
