my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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