she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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