I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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