my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
