I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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