She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
