Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
