I am spending my child support on dildos
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
