i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
