You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
