If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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