just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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