Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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