Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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