Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
