I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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