Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
