3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
