So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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