I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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