I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
