So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
