we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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