The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Your penis caused this!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize