I was born with a shot glass in my hand
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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