Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize