I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize