I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
