Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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