You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
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