apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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