Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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