I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
