You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
