I want to make a zoo with you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
