i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
