I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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