3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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