Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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