There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
