This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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