my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
