I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
