I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
