Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
