So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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